Monday, September 29, 2003

The New Toaster: Chapter 1

The toaster aisle at Sears was nothing if not extensive. Eric was overwhelmed. The four slot, toasters, the "smart" toasters, the extra large toasters that could fit a full 16-inch pizza; they were all there. Toasters in every color, every shape, every size. A whole world of toasters, waiting to be taken in, waiting to serve. Or possibly to destroy.
This was Eric's problem. He could see everything about these toasters, but there was one thing not written on the box. He could not look into their souls. How was he to find a toaster that would be kind and not cruel? He decided to ask a salesperson.
"So you want to find out about the souls of toasters?" asked the confused and disgruntled salesman.
"I'll go get Vlad, he's our anthropomorphic toaster specialist."
Could it be? Sears had finally hired an anthropomorphic toaster specialist? They actually read what was put in the suggestion box? Things were finally going well for Eric.

Sunday, September 21, 2003

The New Toaster: Prologue

Eric Smellick was finally buying a new toaster. For many people, this would be a routine task, but Eric was enjoying every minute of it. He had hated the old toaster with a passion, but it hadn't given him the pleasure of destroying it; it had exploded instead, leaving him with nothing to do but pick up the pieces. And the explosion, he was sure, was a blaze of glory for the toaster, as it took the last two Toaster Scrambles with it, and left a huge scorch mark in his kitchen.
But none of that mattered. What mattered was that the new toaster was coming, and it would be better. It would be a kind, just toaster, existing only to please its master, instead of to cause him pain and anguish. The trick would be getting such a toaster for under 25 bucks. But Eric was up to the challenge. He entered the department store.
And so it begins...