Monday, May 30, 2005

Tournament of Dolphins

First, check out my brother's site. Now, what did you think of his list? I think it's great, but I noticed something rather troubling - namely the astounding lack of dolphins. I don't know how you can do a tournament of champions without at least one dolphin. So, to balance him out, I'm setting up an historic TOURNAMENT OF DOLPHINS.

1. Flipper (Flipper) - For those of you who have never seen this wonderful program, think of Flipper as an aquatic lassie. Everyone's favorite super-intelligent family pet.
Strengths: Faster than lightning; No one, you see, is smarter than he; Lives in a world full of wonder; Flying there under, under the sea.
Weaknesses: Susceptible to the cliches of 60s TV (Nothing especially graphic can happen around him, adventures are limited to thirty minutes minus commercial breaks)

2. Ecco (Ecco the Dolphin Games from Sega) - Quite possibly the only doplhin to have his own series of computer and video games, Ecco enjoys travelling through time, as well as being a really great singer. If this were, American Idol of the Dolphins, Ecco would have it made.
Strengths: Can use his sonar as a weapon, has some kind of shape-changing ability, can go invisible.
Weaknesses: Can't do any of these things without power-ups.

3. The Singing Dolphins (Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy) - Remember what I said about Dolphin American Idol? I may have spoken too soon. As well as being good singers, these dolphins are considered to be the second most intelligent species on Earth, after Rats and before humans.
Strengths: Can really put on a musical number, have their "own means" for leaving Earth, apparently have sufficient funds to pay for it's rebuilding (according to the books).
Weaknesses: A certian fondness for fish.

4. Darwin (SeaQuest) - SeaQuest, for those of you (probably everyone) who haven't seen it, is an incredibly obscure, short-lived show that was pretty much Star Trek underwater. Darwin is a dolphin who can both talk to and understand humans because of Lucas the boy-genius's inventions. He frequently saves the day and was played by an animatronic puppet for everything but the first episode of the show.
Strengths: Can communicate with humans and aliens, has completed the training required to achieve the rank of ensign in the United Earth Oceans Organization, which is probably comprable to the US Navy in it's training of officers.
Weaknesses: Not a real dolphin.

5. Dan Marino (Miami Dolphins) - Marino holds 24 NFL Season records and is tied for three others, and is considered by most to be the best Dolphin of all time. Though now retired, he is still revered by Dol-Fans everywhere.
Strengths - by far the best on the list in terms of touch-down passes, yardage, and overall QB-ing.
Weaknesses - Not quite as well suited for long periods of time underwater as the other competitors. Also not quite as good a swimmer.

The tournament will begin as soon as I figure out the best way to do a tournament with five competitiors. I will not be taking it nearly as seriously as Nathan's, for obvious reasons.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Even More Mortimer!

Mortimer left the bar on two feet through the door, which is more than he could say for most of the other patrons. As he walked, one of the guinea pigs flew through the window and would have shattered the glass if there was any left. He made his way to the local library.
Merk Heeliott was not a library town. In fact as far as Mort knew, there was no library to speak of in Merk Heeliott. However, a consultation with his hideously outdated Guide to Merc Heeliott revealed that there was, in fact, a small dingy building marked MHPL. Mortimer wasn't good with maps, but that was why he had Narrin. He quickly kicked off the ground and flew high above the city. It matched his map perfectly from up here!
At least it should. It seemed like none of the buildings were where they were marked. Even the gate which should have been on top was on the...
Realizing his error, Mortimer turned the map right side up. The map still didn't match the view perfectly, but he was able to navigate his way to the library. He tied Narrin around a streetlight (a pointless manuever since no one was capable of stealing her and she was not prone to running away) and went inside. The library was poorly lit as could be expected, and seemed to contain a total of two books, lots of cobwebs, and an old, sleeping man. Mortimer cleared his throat in hopes of attracting his attention. When this failed he tried an "Excuse me." That fell flat, seemingly absorbed by the overwhelming emptiness of the room. Finally he shouted. "EXCUSE ME SIR!"
The small bald man jolted awake. "I paid my rent, I paid it! Stop coming here!"
There was an awkward silence.
"Actually," said Mortimer, "I'm here about a book."
"You mean you're a... a... a customer?" asked the man incredulously, putting on his huge owl-like spectacles.
"I am."
"Do you have a card?"
"Umm, no."
The man looked dejected. "I suppose that was too much to ask. I'd offer you a card, but we had to use the cards to fix the roof after the big storm. The library's been going through some troubles of late. So anyway, you'd like a book. Which one?"
Moertimer looked at the two books. The (In)complete Book of Ferret Recipes did not look promising. Whether the recipes were by, for, or consisting of ferrets, the book was unlikely to mention Franklin Pierce. The other book was A History of the Third Age. He found it unlikely that Franklin Pierce was alive during the third age, but the man was looking so pathetic he decided to do a good deed before heading to a real library.
"This one," he said, lifting the heavy book as a full half of it fell out of the middle, "I'll take this one."
The man painstakingly and slowly wrote the name of the book on a piece of paper, took down Mortimer's name, and filed the paper in a large binder. Then he got out a card, write down the date and gave it to Mortimer.
"Now this is due back in two weeks, but you can renew it as long as no one else asks for it."
Mortimer didn't think anyone would, but he resolved to take the book back within two weeks. It would make that guy's day.