Saturday, July 23, 2005

More and More Mortimer

The library had, then, been a dead end. Stashing the useless old book in Narrin's saddlebag, Mortimer hopped on his beloved steed and took off into the air. He knew that even with know working leads, tracking wasn't impossible. In his years of hunting dangerous criminals in the Queen's service he had learned several tricks and, more importantly, made several friends in high places. He was going to see one such friend now.
Far, far from Merk Heeliott, in the mountians of Dublane, she lived in her little stone house. She ate well, did her work, and no one bothered her without bringing a covered dish proportionate to the size of their question. She was Amarayne, the pot-luck Oracle, and Mortimer knew that if anyone could help him, she could.
He flew across the plains and the foothills, stopping the night in an old abandon shepherd's hut. The next day he journeyed into the mountains. As he approached the path to her hut he flew low and brought Narrin to a halt.
"Stay there, girl," he said, dismounting. As he walked up the path he saw the signs - 'Home of the Dublane Oracle,' 'Questions answered for Potluck items' 'Don't come this way without food, seriously.'
Further down the signs got more complicated:
Simple Questions
(e.g. Will my crops flourish this year?, Does she love me?)
Small side dish, relish tray, or jug of ale/ cider/ lemonade
And another:
Hard Questions
(e.g. What's wrong with my goat?, Could she ever love me?)
Small side dish or casserole, small dessert
Then:
Harder Questions
(e.g. How do I cure my goat?, How can I make her love me?)
Large dessert, large side dish or casserole, small main course item
And Finally:
Really Hard Questions
(e.g. How do I find the Sacred Goat of Hapzhorn's fury?, What is love anyway?)
Large meat animal, classy wine, really good fudge
*Please use microwave and refrigerator-safe dishes. The oracle cannot guarantee the return of your tupperware. No quiche, please. Existential questions may remain unanswered without refund.
Behind this last sign was the doorway. Mortimer walked through it to find himself in a dark, smoky room. Against the far wall was a table filled with the food items from earlier in the day.
In front of the door was a bench.
"Sit!" said a mysterious voice from the smoke.
"Nice catch today, Ama," said Mortimer, "Your reputation seems to have spread since the last time I saw you."
The voice changed, becoming less impressive and more incredulous, "Mortimer?... Mortimer Lima Bean?"
"The very same."
Immediately a rotund, middle-aged woman walked around the table to greet Mortimer with a big hug.
"Well, common inside! I'll close shop and we can have some food and catch up. A knight was in here asking about a dragon last week and he brought this exquisite fudge. I've been waiting for someone to share it with!"
"Well, actually I'm here on business..."
"What, the Queen's in trouble?"
"Not exactly. It's about me."
She looked a little surprised but, nonetheless pushed him through the door on the far side of the room.
"Listen," she said, "At least have a glass of wine while you tell me about it."
"You're too kind, Ama."
Inside the comfortably decorated hovel that was the interior of Amarayne's home, Mortimer told her the whole story.
"...So you see," he finished, "I need to know who this Franklin Pierce person is. Can you help me?"
"I'd love to! What did you bring?"
"Bring? We're old friends, I thought you could -"
"Honey, that's a fudge level question. Now I might be able to bump it down to macaroni and cheese for a friend, but I can't give out answers like that for nothing. I'd go out of business."
"I didn't charge when I saved you from those tigers!" Mortimer shouted, incensed.
"You were also saving the Queen, might I remind you, and I have repaid that debt already. Now are you sure you have nothing?"
"I have a few sandwiches I was saving for the trip home," he admitted.
"For a few sandwiches," she said, "And for you, Mortimer, I will give a hint."
"Alright," he replied. A hint was better than nothing after all.
"Ok. You sit tight, have some chips or cookies if you like, and I'll go commune with the Gods and get back to you."
As Mortimer munched his chips, the sounds of chanting, singing, wailing, whaling, fishing, and a weird unidentifiable "SPROING!" noise all drifted into the room. Finally, after 25 minutes, Amarayne emerged. When she spoke it was in the rich, possessed voice Mortimer had heard when he entered.
"The answer you seek is closer than you think. Look to the dead to find it."
"Thanks, Ama," he said.
"No prob, Mort," she replied, her voice normal once more, "And good luck!"
But Mortimer was already atop Narrin, sailing away from the mountians in search of food. He had, after all, just given away his lunch.

3 comments:

Erin said...

lol! Awesome chapter! I love the concept and the potluck oracle. So creative. Good job.

Lisa said...

I want to be that oracle...mmm..fudge. And I could tell people what was love anyway, without going into the score of Moulin Rouge. That'd be helpful.

Anonymous said...

Existential questions may remain unanswered without refund. -that should be our new template.