Memo from Management

To: ALL EMPLOYEES
From: MANAGEMENT
Re: ANNUAL PERFORMANCE REVIEWS

It's annual performance review time, and I have been asked to address some rumors floating around the office. As such, I want to make sure we're all clear on what a performance review is and what a performance review isn't.
First of all, and I can't make this clear enough:

A performance review is not performance art.

You will not improve your salary by painting yourself blue and eating massive amounts of Captain Crunch at your performance review. Also, contrary to popular belief, no one ever got a raise by lighting himself on fire. Those of you junior employees gullible enough to believe that story should ask Mr. Hollis in finance about the real story. Or about what happened to his face, or why he has no children. You'll get the same response however you phrase it.
In addition, singing and dancing are inappropriate at a performance review. It is your JOB performance I will be reviewing; I don't care about your guitar performance, vocal performance, show choir performance, kazoo performance, or accordion performance. Or, for that matter, and I'm going to get this out of the way here and now, your sexual performance.

Onto the dress code. I understand a memo circulated last week to the effect that animal costumes would be mandatory at this year's performance review and that, and I quote, "your choice of costume will be a crucial factor in decisions regarding your salary." I assure you that this memo is completely erroneous and anyone dressed in an animal costume will be severely reprimanded. (Except for Mr. Leslie, who has a documented medical reason.) Remember, this is a professional environment and I expect professionalism from each of you.
There is one more item of business, and I am hesitant to even include it. In past years, we have had issues, in performance reviews, with, how shall I say it, excessive flatulence. Not issues with one or two employees, or with one or two... incidents, but issues with extensive and repeated displays across the board.
Such behavior is distracting and unpleasant, so I am attaching a list of dietary considerations for your review. You would all be wise to heed them in the days leading up to your annual review.
Finally, I understand that the rather small raise budget has, once again, become public knowledge. However, disappointing as these numbers may be, it is no reason to display any unprofessionalism that could cost you the single available .0007% raise. I hope you will all take this memo to heart.